Tag: compassion

On Helping Others

~ SE ~ Leave a comment

Dear True Self,

I have grown a lot and worked on myself a great deal. I feel now when I look at people that I have a genuine desire to help them, but I find people do not seem to really want to change. What can I do to get through to them?

Sincerely,

Helping Handicapped

Dear HH,

You help someone where they are at. Not where you wish them to be.

If that one simple thing sinks into you, then helping others is not a complex endeavour. According to your capability and their willingness, you help them. What is so hard about that?

The issue right now is you see someone and see problems. You decide that you are the only one who can fix it. They must be fixed the way you see them. This is not coming from a place of compassion, but from a place of competitiveness. Your insecurity makes you want to be the one to “get through to them”.

I want you to sincerely look at where you are in your life right now. You claim to have grown a lot; this is fantastic! Now tell me, to get to this place now, how many stupid, idiotic, and problematic things did you do? Was your journey perfect?

What authority or experience do you have to decide what somebody’s potential is? Do you have any way of determining that what they are going through right now is good or bad for their growth?

If you are truly in the business of helping others, then whatever way people are, you will use it for their growth. It is that simple.

It’s so easy to say to someone “You must be like this. You must change in the way I see as best“. This puts you in a superior position and removes all accountability from you. They fail and you avoid the blame, they succeed and you take the credit. Good deal for you, isn’t it?

If you do not have the skill to help someone no matter what state they are in, then best to simply leave them to live their life. You just exist in such a way that people are better for having encountered you. Be an exuberant, joyful life. That alone will help, without you having to do anything specific.

You being critical of others and forcing your way on them is not going to help anyone, least of all you. People do not want to be told what to do. They want to get there by their own hand. To help someone is an art, a dance, and skill does not come simply because you have “grown more than them”.

So that’s the first bit – you. Your capability to help must be honed, or barring that, you must be a blessing to all you encounter. Without that, you have no business helping.

The second bit is their willingness, their receptivity. But still, this requires your keen perception.

Helping someone is not about forcing them to a realization or an action. Helping someone is planting a seed.

People come to you with all kinds of boundaries and excuses and barriers set up. They want a beautiful flower to grow, but they have paved over everything with concrete. Where to plant the seed?

You can grab a hammer and force the pavement open, plop the seed down, then leave. But this is a destructive approach, and what’s more, you do it without their consent. Even if the flower grows, they have no appreciation for it and will pave over it again, simply because it was born without their consent.

But if you just be with them, and guide them towards cracking their own pavement – breaking down their own excuses in other words – then the soil is exposed, but they were the ones to expose it. Do not underestimate the importance of their involvement.

Then, you can plant the seed. Even better if you give them the seed and they plant it themselves!

All of this is metaphor, but it also isn’t. Every conversation you have is functioning in this way, isn’t it? To help is just this very process of dissolving excuses and boundaries and exposing the soil. It is about freedom and growth.

When they are the ones to break down their own nonsense, their growth is much faster and lasts. They are capable of transformation. If you want to help,  you guide them through this, provide them with the tools, support them whatever way they need in that moment.

Every moment is different. Whether a person is making poor choices or good choices is irrelevant. No one can say for sure what can grow from the actions we take today. So deal with each person as they are in that moment.

Don’t see people the way you wish they were. You will be incapable of helping. Who knows what they will flower into! They may do something no one else has ever dreamed!

You want to help, then simply meet them where they are at. Drop this notion that they are not receptive. Something is always reachable and possible in each moment. You are the fool for acting as though you know best and it’s their issue.

Help or don’t help, either is fine. But if you must help, then help them as they are. That is the only way.

With gratitude,

Your True Self

Click here if you have a question to ask Your True Self. All questions are anonymous and may be published unless specified otherwise

On Anger

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Dear True Self,

I drive to work everyday and I find myself getting more and more frustrated. It feels like every damn minute some idiot is driving like a maniac. Not signaling, merging without looking, tailgating, speeding….you name it! I’m getting real tired of having something I do daily become such a source of frustration for me. I have to drive because I have to get to work, but why does it have to be so bloody irritating? What can I do about this?

Sincerely,

The only one who seems to know how to drive

 

Dear TOOWSTKHTD, (what a mouthful!),

First please realize you are not the only one who knows how to drive. I guarantee you nearly everyone else who is driving is thinking the same thing you are.

“I’m the only one who drives properly, look at all these morons!”

A good rule of thumb to help you in life is if you think everyone else around you is the problem, then YOU are the problem.

Look, you may be able to bullshit your self, but you can’t bullshit your true self. I know better.

Even if you magically changed the rules and all the drivers out there somehow, then suddenly you would see all the ways you are now the one at fault. If everyone else drives flawlessly, then will you see how hypocritical you are?

Alas, chastising you for your double standards is not my goal. I just want to bring some light to them so you can understand the real question you are asking.

Your question on the surface reads as “Why is everyone going out of their way to annoy me?!” I promise, no one is thinking even one tiny thought of you out there. You are not the center of their universe, even for a fraction of a second.

In reality, the question you really want an answer to is “How can I stop getting so angry at every little thing in life?”

You really want to know why you are getting angry. Without knowing why, you won’t really work towards changing it.

Please see – all anger comes from one source:

Hurt.

You do not have to take my word for it. Next time you feel annoyed, irritated, angry – sit with it. Don’t try to increase or decrease the anger – just let it happen. Do not direct it towards anything in particular. Just let it express itself. I know it sounds boring, but just experiment with this every time you get in your car.

Eventually, you will see that underneath all the anger – you are just hurting. You could be hurting about so many things – physical pain, mental struggles, emotional trauma. You have buried them under your anger so you don’t have to deal with them. Now they reactively get expressed outwards, to people and situations.

Ultimately, when you become angry – you are communicating to the world you are the victim. Things are happening to you that should not be happening. But really, you’re not mad at silly things like traffic – you are mad for much deeper reasons. You are mad because somewhere in the past, something hurt you, and you still are suffering it like a victim.

I feel for you. I truly do. This anger is now an entrenched habit. It expresses itself every time you drive. But really, it’s also an opportunity for you to be done with it. You will need to practice something else in it’s place to truly be free of this anger.

Next time you find yourself getting angry in traffic – Tell yourself:

“It’s okay. I’m just hurting. My wish is that these people drive safely to their destination.”

Instead of giving them your anger, give them your compassion. If the anger comes before your compassion, just let it come out – no sense in trying to stop it. But after it comes out, change your inner dialogue from it being their fault to giving them this compassion. It’s not because they deserve it or to let them get away with driving recklessly. It’s because anger is a poison you drink and expect the other person to die. Every time you become angry you are damaging your system. It’s time to stop hurting yourself.

The things we do every day multiple times a day – like driving – you should learn to do with grace. And especially those things that irritate you – you should put even more attention into doing them as pleasantly as you can in that moment. Fake it until you make it if you must. Ultimately your anger helps no one, least of all you.

With gratitude,

Your True Self

Click here if you have a question to ask Your True Self. All questions are anonymous and may be published unless specified otherwise.