Dear true self,
I’ve been reading your blogs for a while now and I must say your perspective is refreshing, and I enjoy reading your opinions.
I live in a world which could be defined by the term toxic masculinity. I try my best to be patient, kind, and understanding but often times I am brought to a weakened state because of the constant push back from the negative energies around me.
It gets so troublesome that sometimes I lash out and end up putting myself in situations I don’t want to be in just because of the constant tugging.
I’m trying my best to be a positive person. I want to make the world a better place. What are some ways I can go about affecting the world without the world effecting me?
Sincerely,
Mostly Positive, Sometimes Tired
Dear MPST,
First of all, we must understand that there is no such thing as toxic masculinity. Before everyone gets in a huff, there is also no such thing as toxic femininity. Toxic behaviour is toxic, it doesn’t matter what you have between your legs.
Before we dive into what you can do amidst toxicity, let’s talk about the very idea of masculine and feminine.
Society has decided for you how you should be – what size, shape, look, personality, emotions, just about everything. For the vast majority, this script is followed without question, and we think it is somehow the inherent truth.
But a script is not something you write for yourself, it’s something that someone writes for you. It is limited and worse it is incorrect.
The reality is that all things in nature have masculine and feminine aspects to them, especially people.
What we largely refer to as masculine energy is the energy of action. If the whole world runs only on masculine energy, it drives itself into the ground in unsustainable ways, as it has now. Today even women who are CEO’s must behave in masculine ways to succeed.
Before you start proclaiming that if women ran the world, things would be better, take a deeper look.
What we refer to as the feminine is receptivity. If the whole world was only passive, nothing would happen or ever get done. Sure, that may fix the current state of the world because we have ramped up the masculine too much, but in the long run it will cause stagnation.
Only through a composite union of the masculine and feminine will there be any balance.
Part of the issue is the words themselves. Masculine and feminine are too loaded.
People have so many opinions on what those terms mean because they are too attached to their identity. He is male, so he must be like this. She is female, so she must be like that.
I am saying only a skewed person is so heavily identified with what’s between their legs. So many body parts, and that’s what you fixate on? Look more at who you are, not what genital organs you have!
All masculine and feminine means is this: Tree breathes out, you breathe in. You breathe out, tree breathes in.
It is this composite union I am referring to. The blend of masculine and feminine, the in and out, the giving and the receiving. All further definitions of masculine and feminine stem from this.
You can’t be a man without the feminine within and you can’t be a woman without the masculine within. It will be no way to live.
Tell me, can you live without the tree breathing? It’s time to stop identifying with male or female anymore. You are always both.
How you keep your inner balance of this matters. And how others keep themselves matters. If it’s too far in one direction or the other, it becomes a problem.
But not everyone who is too masculine or too feminine is toxic. So to blame it on that is short sighted.
We give too much leeway to people when we tell them they are displaying toxic masculinity. Just call them for what they are: They are toxic. If they weren’t toxic about their manliness, they would be toxic about something else, believe me.
I don’t say all of this to wash over all the ways rampant masculinity has caused suffering for many people, especially women. It is an issue that definitely exists.
However, the solution isn’t to redefine masculinity or femininity. It is to hold people accountable beyond their gender. It is not the masculinity that is toxic, it is them. Don’t give them the excuse of their gender to hide behind.
This is why I am telling you over and over to drop the idea of masculine and feminine. To look past people’s surface level garbage, especially some arbitrary male/female script.
So how to hold them accountable?
If you play the game of trying to convince people their masculinity is toxic, it will become a battle of identity. When people’s identity is challenged, they will always push back. Trust me, people are way too attached to their identity. Challenging it will only cause you misery.
Instead you must see that it is an issue beyond their masculinity. They became a toxic person. With all the pain and suffering in the world, that’s who they have chosen to be. It’s truly tragic, isn’t it?
The only reason they have chosen this is because they themselves are suffering. It doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but if you want to change the toxic culture in your life, you must meet people where they are at.
So go past the masculinity. When they are being toxic, maybe it’s time to ask them if they are alright. After all, only people who are hurting inside behave like they are. Compassion will get you farther than conquering.
Perhaps they don’t listen to you. Perhaps many of these toxic people don’t want to change. It doesn’t matter if you help them or not. In your heart, you must always remember that the only people that cause harm in this world are those that are suffering themselves.
This distinction is paramount. You will stop seeing them as your enemy and start seeing them as someone who needs help.
With this shift in your core to help them rather than convince them, you will naturally seek real solutions.
Sometimes those solutions might mean cutting these people out of the environment because they refuse to change. Sometimes it might mean removing yourself even. Sometimes, the person will see how their hurt is hurting others and want to change.
The solution will always vary based on willingness – theirs to change and yours to help. How others are is out of your control 100%.
I cannot give you some catch all rules to manipulate people into being less toxic. The reality is they need help and often don’t even see it. There is no shortcut to helping people. Again the only real solution is to help, not convince.
Toxicity in this world will not change if we just create more rules and nonsense to force people to behave properly. The toxicity will merely shift into some other area. Stupid boundaries of gender have gotten us into this mess, more boundaries and rules will not clean it up, only transfer it.
We need consciousness to shift in people. That starts with you. Stop getting distracted by identifications of male and female and start seeing the root of the toxicity: their pain.
From there, how you act is up to you.
With gratitude,
Your True Self
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